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Even when it gets tough, never give up hope. I didn’t. :)

So today I found out that I’ve been accepted onto a BA(Hons) Counselling Studies Degree. Considering my childhood, it makes sense that I want to become one of the people who helped me through my toughest times. Even when things got tough- when I started my first year at university last year and realised I didn’t like the degree- when my boyfriend broke my heart- when my family fell apart- I never gave up hope that one day I would be happy and that my life would actually make sense.

You’re not technically considered an adult until you’re 21, so it isn’t impossible (but is unlikely) that someone younger than this gets accepted for the last available place after applying 6 months after the deadline date. You’re also required to have done a 6 months introduction to counselling in order to be offered a place on the course.

I meet none of these. I haven’t done this course. Because of my life- my past- I’ve turned into a person who meets these requirements at the age of 19.

I never gave up hope. So if you feel yourself falling into that pit of despair, and feel like giving up, or feel like it will never get better… it really will. Never, ever give up hope. Ever.

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Everything happens for a reason

The one person in the world who is supposed to love you unconditionally and do anything for you is the one person who let me down more than anyone else in the world. She broke my trust, she let me down and she proved to me exactly who I do not want to be. My mother.

9 years of counselling.

9 years of bullying.

9 years of not understanding and blaming myself.

9 years is how long it took me to realise that actually, it really wasn’t my fault. I never made the choices I was just influenced by them. Ultimately, I’m not the person who is going to miss out, it will be her. I know now that if I have children I will never ever do to them what my mother done to me.

9 years on I’m now studying at university and trying to get myself early entry onto a counselling degree.

Everything happens for a reason. What my mother done to me has made me who I am today. I am the kind of person who can see over the mountain- even when it’s the tallest mountain in the world. All of the things that happened to me may have messed me up when I was younger but now I can see the horizon. Sometimes it takes something awful to open your eyes to the better things in life; to make you a better person and to make you understand and appreciate the world better.

Don’t wait for the storm to end, learn to dance in the rain. There is always something good that can come out of a bad situation, no matter how dark it is or how long it takes to find it.

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I believe in fate… do you?

When I was 9 I had this dream, it was a bit plain and weird actually but I remembered it. There hung a photo frame on a wall, really big photo frame, and as I looked at it harder I actually became inside it watching as the photo was taken. I remember watching as my father stood on the left and my mother stood on the right holding hands. Then my younger brother stands in front of my mother and I stand in front of my father whilst our dog- Charlie- lays in the middle at the bottom of the photo. Charlie was my first ever pet, and to this day- 10 years later- still my only pet (unless you class a fish with an ex boyfriend as a pet?). Charlie was my best friend- my only friend- I used to get bullied because I took things to heart so much and Charlie knew when I was sad and would sit with me until I was happy again. That dog became mine, not ours. I trained him and he slept in my bed. My Charlie. One would assume this was the perfect family given the smiles and the holding hands and the general happy atmosphere that was portayed in this photo. The photo was set about 10 years from now- so my parents looked pretty old, myself and my brother are grown up and Charlie looks pretty past his sell by date…bless him. After the snap was taken the photo cracks straight down the middle, parting my father and I from my mother and brother and splitting Charlie straight down the middle.

The day after this dream, after speaking nothing of it because…well it was a pretty boring dream actually, my father approaches me whilst I’m cleaning my teeth. I’m innocently looking in the mirror, observing my young face pull disgusting expressions with a toothbrush in my mouth, well aware of the blue and white tiles filling the room and the coinciding scent of bleach mixed with strawberry toothpaste – do not judge me, I really liked flavoured toothpaste – when my father says, ‘your mother and I have been talking, and we think it’s best if we split up’.

‘Why?’

‘Things haven’t been right for a long time, we stayed together for all the wrong reasons and it’s just too much now, sweetheart. But we’ll talk about this in the morning, don’t worry about a thing because it will all be fine’.

And I done as I was told, I didn’t worry, I didn’t actually care. Truthfully, I didn’t understand. Little did I know that as the next year unfolded everything in my dream came true. My mother left and took only my brother leaving me and my father, she gave away my beautiful Charlie (bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch) even after she had left and from that day forward the only parent I had was my father.

What happened to me in these 10 years is more than thats happened to a lot of grown adults, but I honestly would not change a single part of my life. What happened to me made me who I am today, someone who is honest, trustworthy and wants to build a career in either teaching or counselling- helping other people find their way. I believe in fate, everything happened to me for a reason and the reason is simple.

It made me a better and stronger person, and whatever problems you may be facing, may have faced or may be yet to tackle, may be the hardest thing to deal with at the time- but there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

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This is me. *lightening McQueen voice*

As you can already tell (and if you can’t we have a problem already) I like the movie cars. Brilliant movie. Mainly because the moral of the story is beautiful, if you haven’t seen it- WATCH IT RIGHT NOW, DON’T EVEN READ ANYMORE JUST WATCH IT- I won’t ruin it for you, but seriously. Watch.

I’m Pea and I’m a university student. I know, that makes me sound clever right? …wrong. Everything that happened to me made me who I am today, and I want to share my fuck up journey with you guys. Why? Well…

I’ve found that people often sit and worry about their problems, over analysing each and every thing and making them the biggest thing since sliced bread. Not that there is anything wrong with that, each to their own, we all find our problems individually challenging but sometimes it’s good to know other people have it similar or worse. That’s not a bad thing either, I take great comfort in knowing that there are people worse off than me, not in an arrogant or heartless way, but it can make you see your life differently and appreciate what you have.

I know my past is not the worst in the world, and actually there are a great amount of positive moments in my life, but my journey taught me how to be the person I want to be and ultimately made me a better person in the long run.

I want everyone who reads my blog to have some sense of worth and belonging in the world, and I hope that people can relate to me and find the positives in their bad times and find solutions to their problems. Not enough people in this world see the silver lining- and I must admit neither did I for a very long time- but the world is so much better when we all have a smile on our faces, and hopefully, even if it is just one person, my blog will help restore some hope in people facing their sad days. 🙂

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